Who am I?

24601!

Okay, joking aside. I don't know who I am but I am trying to discover that. The good, the bad and the ugly.

“I do know my own mind,' protested Anne. 'The trouble is, my mind changes and then I have to get acquainted with it all over again.”
― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of the Island   

It is so much easier to have other people tell me who I am or at least who they perceive me to be. As long as they are kind and tip the scale more in my favour than against of course. I don't really care for all my flaws to be pointed out and nothing good said about me. But to really look at myself and see my faults and virtues? Sure I can do that in my head but there is something about putting in to black and white that is terrifying to me. My Pros more than my Cons. And I know why. Because I am so afraid I am wrong about my good qualities and someone will disagree with those. It is great when people disagree with my self perceived flaws. Who doesn't like hearing, "You're not really a bigot, Heidi." But I most definitely don't want to hear, "You actually come across as stupid, not smart at all."

For some of my faults I have learned them by examining why other people's behaviour irks me. Why am I being so upset? Sometimes the other behaviour is really not acceptable. But many times it is a mirror to my own thoughts and feelings.

“Whenever you are about to find fault with someone, ask yourself the following question: What fault of mine most nearly resembles the one I am about to criticize?”
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 

That is where being a hypocrite comes in. I can get upset at someone, even just a stranger, for an action that I myself am guilty of in some way or another. A simple example is thinking someone is too negative and just needs to be more positive about their life. Ummm... right. Because I am a little ray of sunshine. As we can see by my first two posts I am a negative person. So how can I be upset by other negative people? Maybe our negativity comes out in different areas. Maybe the other person is negative about work or what not. But I am negative about me. Honestly, sometimes the only reason I am positive is to be contrary to a negative person. Nice, hey? I may keep a lot of negativity inside but I am so very critical on the inside. Or I can be but I am learning to be less so.

I am not going to list every single one of my faults. Being a hypocrite is a natural human thing and now that I am aware how hypocritical I can be, even if indirectly, I hope to catch myself and be less so one day at a time. And less negative! Therefore every flaw I point out isn't to be negative about myself and pout and say "I am a horrible, horrible human being', but to help me change the things I don't like. Thankfully I believe in God so that is a nice support in this area.

Now that I have avoided saying a few good things about me because I really, really don't want to (remember you may tell me I am wrong or think it. Heaven forbid you think it!), I better say them to be positive about myself. After all I can't be all bad. I am friendly. There I said it. I like having friends and visiting. I rarely dislike anyone and though I often feel insecure about how other people feel about me I am actually quite forgiving. There are only a few "sins" committed against me that I have ever had a hard time letting go off (or am still letting go of). I am not always good at showing how much I care but I really do care a lot for all my friends. I know this is just one thing but it is hard enough for me to get one good quality out. Remember I am a WIP.

But it is very late. And I really should be asleep as part of the changes I want to make is a better sleep pattern. Unfortunately Insomnia and being a night owl has a bad way of putting a crimp in my plans.

Photo by: Crystal Janel Photography